The Courage To Change

Wow, another week has passed and now we're well and truly into August. They say time flies when you're having fun, but I think we need to rewrite that and just say that time flies no matter what you're doing.

Which is a good reason to make the most of every moment. Because if you don't, there's a high chance you will end up in your winter years wondering what your life would have been like if you'd make other decisions.

And that's what I'm talking about today: the courage to make decisions. And more specifically, the courage to make decisions about who we are and how we want our lives to be.

One of the reasons Life Coaches exist is because making decisions on our own can be daunting. Should I, shouldn't I, what will happen if I X, Y or Z? 

Having someone to bounce your thoughts off can be really useful. A Life Coach can help you decide whether decision X or Z might be best for you, and they can assist you in seeing how decision Y might turn out. But sometimes, the decision is actually which thought to have about that thing, not the actual thing itself.

I'll try to explain what I mean…

I believe the way for me to become the best coach I can be is by being coached by people who are far more evolved and successful than I am. This week I began a 12-week programme with Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations With God), and his team of experts. We're only 7 days in and already I am experiencing shifts in the way I think and behave.

This morning a group of about 12 people (from right around the globe), phoned in for our first weekly conference call. As the team are based in the US, the call came in at 5am Sydney time. I'm generally an early riser, but waking up at 4.30am on a Sunday is even beyond my usual routine. However, I'm committed to change and so I dutifully got up and participated.

One of the first things we have been asked to do, as part of the programme, is to make a list of things that have never changed in our lives, and things that have. Then we were invited to compare the two lists and notice whatever came up for us.

The thing I noticed was that things I thought never changed, actually do.

Before commencing this experiment, I had a fixed view about a few things:

1) My parents and siblings have been the same forever
2) My parents still live in the same house that I grew up in from age 7
3) My height and shoe size have been the same for years

When I looked more closely at the list, I registered that none of the above points were true. Every single one of those "fixed" things has changed. I used to be able to walk into a shoe store and buy a size 4 knowing it would fit. Today, I have to try on about 3 pairs because either my shoe size has changed or various manufacturers have different ideas about what size 4 is, which means that whichever way you look at it, my shoe size is not fixed.

Same goes for my height. I wasn't always 5ft. And for all I know I may have grown or shrunk by an inch or less since the last time my height was measured.

As for my family, yes, I still have two parents and two siblings, but they're not the same people they were 10 years ago, let alone 10 days ago. I don't know the biologic statistics of cellular turnover, but I'm pretty sure that our physical bodies completely replicate and regenerate at least every 12 years. And as for my parents having lived in the same house for 36 years; that's not true either. The house has new gutters and flooring, the wallpaper is different, and my parents actually lived overseas for about 5 years before moving back.

So, the answer to the question: what has never changed must be nothing. And the answer to what has changed must be everything. Comprende?

Our next assignment was to write down all the stories we have created about ourselves and our lives. Honestly, I don't think there's enough paper in the Universe for that, but off the top of my head, one story that plays out very nicely is that I am not attractive enough to have a partner that I desire… that I am not loveable enough for someone to want to choose to spend their life with me… and that I am "past it" in terms of meeting a lovely, handsome and smart guy who "rings my bell".

Logically I can see that that combination of stories is not really true, but it wasn't until I began this coaching programme that I had the opportunity to know that I can change that story any time I choose.

Yip, what the coaching programme is teaching me is that I can choose my experience.

What that means is that the story I have about my being ugly and unloveable is what Neale Donald Walsch calls an Imagined Truth. The Imagined Truth is the story we give to something. In this case, taking the fact that I'm 43, have some wrinkles around my eyes and have been single for 5 years that I have turned into a super sized package called "Nobody wants me".

As Dr Phil would say; "How's that working for you?"

Sitting alongside the Imagined Truth is something called the Apparent Truth. This is where things are peeled back to the facts. (Facts? Who needs facts when I have an incredible imagination that can turn a line drawing into a 3D Imax adventure…). Using my being single and unloveable as an example, when I apply the Apparent Truth I come up with an entirely different tale that goes like this: I am 43, have been single for 5 years and have a few lines around my eyes.

Hmm, not nearly as dramatic or multi-dimensional as the Imagined Truth version.

I hope you can see where I'm going with this. The truth is, we very often (read: always) attach a story to the facts, which in turn creates a version of events that is largely (if not completely) distorted.

I mean what about being 43, single and having crow's feet makes me entirely unloveable and unattractive to men? How have I gone from those facts to creating a romantic tragedy where the heroine is destined to live in a dungeon and never be allowed to love and be loved again?

The answer to that lies in my past experiences. The reason I have created that story is because I'm unconsciously filtering my present situation through an epic back catalogue of events (that were also warped), and what comes out the other end is an Imagined Truth based on a whole bunch of facts that I previously turned into stories to create the most amazing version of my life that bears little to no relation to the Apparent Truth.

[Pause to take a deep breath…]

Now, I could, at this point, reprimand myself for creating such a tale and condemn myself for being "stupid" and so on. But why would I create yet another story that makes me stupid (as well as ugly and unloveable etc). No, what I'm now doing is putting that Aha moment into practice and making good use of my ability to create. And guess what. It seems to be working.

Just this week I had the good fortune to meet a lovely guy. Rather than play the rerun of I'm Ugly and Unloveable, I'm choosing to go with the Apparent Truth and letting things play out in a more useful and self-serving way.

Instead of hearing myself saying things like There's no way he could possibly like me, I'm too old for him, I'm not beautiful enough for him, he's probably just being nice to me until he meets someone younger and more attractive, I'm gently putting those thoughts aside and replacing them with the facts. The facts are: he said he thinks I am gorgeous, he asked me to spend time with him, he sends me text messages a few times a day.

They are all lovely, positive experiences, that until I began the 12-week coaching programme this week, I would have blatantly (but unconsciously) ignored and replaced with the story that I just explained above.

Really.

What's amazing about this to me is that I know I'm not the only one who does this. Your story might not revolve around romantic relationships, but whatever is occurring in your life that you believe is beyond your control, I guarantee you it is not the truth.

I'm not saying that if someone close to you just died, or you just lost your job that that situation didn't happen. But I am saying that however you are choosing to experience that event, is absolutely 100% within your control.

The scariest thing about all of this for me was giving myself permission to actually take a different stance. I can honestly say that in the past, I have felt, heard and seen the stories I've been creating, but I wasn't always willing or brave enough to embrace the idea that yes, I can choose my experience around this. Sometimes I would, but sometimes I wouldn't.

So, if like me, you find that you're creating a story about something that deep down you know is not true, but for some reason unknown to you, you continue to repeat a less-than-satisfying pattern, then I am pretty confident that sharing those thoughts or feelings with a Life Coach can help.

Because sometimes in life, we need the help of others. And often, we are trying so hard to be perfect and cope with everything on our own, that we miss the whole point of life, and that is that life changes every single moment of every single day. And if it didn't, there would be absolutely no point for us to exist.

So before we all reach the sunset of our lives, how about we choose to pause, and consider What story am I creating around situations X, Y and Z? Then, maybe we can think about whether we are dealing with the Apparent Truth or an Imagined Truth?

I don't know if any of this resonates with you, but with 11 more weeks of my coaching programme to go, I'm truly excited about the new and incredible possibilities that may be available to me. As long as I have the courage to change what I believe.

Yes, I can see now that my life is my path and I have the ability to choose whichever direction I desire.

So do you.

Choose love.

h x

@barefootcoach
hannahhempenstall.com

#lifecoaching #lovelife #selfawareness #personaldevelopment #change #lawofattraction #personalchoice

Building Connections

As I travel along this journey of becoming a Life Coach, I'm learning a lot. One thing that struck me recently is how much we focus on life's aesthetics yet at the same time, we yearn for deep connection.

The two are not mutually exclusive, but it's becoming more and more clear to me that what is far more important that our outer shell, is what's inside.

Namely, our heart and soul.

I mentioned in previous blogs that life coaching is a way to manage our goals by working with a professional "buddy" who you make yourself accountable and answerable to. The coach is really only there as a means for you to check in with. As a client, you do all the work. Actually, in reality, you are the one who comes up with all the answers: the coach will simply guide you in the right direction.

So… goal setting… easy, right. Well, yes. But, sometimes even when we're on a path to goal A, with a set of nicely chunked-down sub-goals, what can happen is that somehow, we find ourselves stumped.

You know the feeling. You desperately want to sort out your finances, or change jobs, or do that thing that you've been putting off, but try as you might, you cannot seem to get any further ahead. It's almost as if there's a demon residing within your brain who only wakes up when you set out to do The Thing, and then there he/she is, hot stepping inside your mind, with a box of matches in one hand and a stick of dynamite in the other.

No matter how much you think you want to achieve The Thing, that devilish little demon is there, ready to lay a trail of gunpowder, flick the match, and then BOOM! You open your eyes and all you see are re-runs of your favourite show. You know the one – it's called Self Sabotage. Lead character: You.

We all do it. Even Life Coaches do it. And I'm certainly no expert because I'm just learning here too, but the road that all paths of self-sabotage seem to lead to is our Values.

So, what are Values (other than a term that therapists and coaches use)? What the heck are they and how can we come to know what ours are so that we can catch the demon, grab his dynamite and stick it where the sun don't shine?

Good question!

Different coaches have different ways of working with Values, and the list to choose from is as long as your arm. But in very basic terms, our Values are the language of our heart and soul. They are the reasons we do (and don't do) things. They are the drivers of our behaviour.

So, even if you don't have a name for any of your Values, you can begin to tell what they are by observing your own behaviour. For example: do you go out of your way to help others (be of service), do you aspire to be wealthy (status); do you prefer to work in a salaried position (stability), or are you more of an entrepreneur (freedom).

The values I've put in brackets are just examples, there are hundreds more, and just because you like the stability of a job, doesn't mean you don't also value freedom. One of the interesting things about our values is that they can present themselves in different areas of our life even though they seem to be opposing – such as the example of freedom and stability.

Maybe you love the freedom of cycling on the open road every morning, with the wind in your hair, but would never dream of starting your own business.

Values are a complex system that operate from the subconscious and drive our behaviour, but until you take a look at what they are, they are pretty much elusive. It's taken me months to figure out what mine are, and they keep changing based as I come to know more and more about myself. Just to give you an insight, here are my Top 5.

1. Learning & Growth
2. Connection & Communication
3. Authenticity
4. Being of Service
5. Self-reliance

The subject of values is so in-depth I'll be delving into it in far more detail in the coming months, so stay tuned.

The amazing thing about knowing your values is that when you know what's driving your behaviour i.e. why you prefer to workout on your own (e.g. independence) rather than join a netball team (e.g. community), then your world starts to make so much more sense. And as you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, you automatically come to understand others more deeply. And when that happens, what you find is that connecting with people becomes a lot easier. Which feeds your heart and soul, which makes you feel more safe to open up even further, which means you connect with even more people.

And on the cycle goes.

Working on your Values is one of the most fascinating and insightful exercises I know of. Every Life Coach has the tools and training to help you understand yours. And, like I said, the most fantastic outcome of knowing what drives your behaviour is not only the connections you build with others, but the feeling of becoming more confident and comfortable in your own skin.

Just imagine!

h x

@barefootcoach

#values #lifecoaching #selfawareness #love #connection #barefootcoaching