Daddy's Girl

So, I thought I'd follow up this week by telling you more about the experience I had after getting a phone call from my mum, telling me my dad had been taken to hospital a couple weeks ago.

If you read my last blog Letting Go, you'll know that the notion of my dad not existing led me into a spin. It was a twofold experience that allowed me to feel sad and enlightened at the same time. My dad just turned 81 last week, so it's realistic to consider he doesn't have a huge amount of time left. Although, touch wood, maybe he does.

Either way, what I recognised in the realisation that he might not physically exist at some point, is that I may unconsciously be waiting for him to die before I can fully give my love to another man. Yeah, I know. Sounds warped and valid all at the same time, right?

Now that I've provided you with the insight, I'll share the details of that awakening with you.

I'll start by telling you that for about 10 years I had what I'd diplomatically describe as a strained relationship with my parents. They might not see it or remember it that way, but that's certainly my truth. Which, I acknowledge is not the absolute truth, just my version. And, thankfully, I've managed to come full circle on that one, and can honestly say that I love my parents very much and am grateful for everything they have (and haven't) done for me.

But this isn't about that, this blog is about the different versions of love we experience and how they affect our relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and so on.

In my case, I can honestly say my dad was my first love. I wouldn't have said that until I got the phone call the other week, but as my unconscious mind scanned the memories I have of my father, it dawned on me, as clear as day, that I am totally in love with my dad. (Freud would be having a field day if he could hear this). I can see that it might sound weird, but I think it's part of the reason why I'm single and have never married. I think I'm looking for a replica of my dad. Who, let me tell you, is one helluva man.

There are so many amazing things I could say about my dad, but I'll share just a few of them with you here:

1) As a sailor in the Merchant Navy, he taught himself to speak Norwegian
2) At 81, he's still out in the garden, pulling up roots and weeds every day
3) If something needs to be fixed around the house, he does it. Within minutes.
4) He makes breakfast for my mum every single day
5) He is a fantastic joke teller
6) He shines his shoes
7) He's an amazing dancer and singer
8) He's a thinker
9) He's a fighter
10) He works harder than any man I know

I could go on, but suffice to say, he has a lot of incredible qualities. And sure, like the rest of us, he has flaws, which I used to focus on (a lot), but when you add up all the good stuff, his imperfections are no more than anyone else's (least of all mine), so I choose to view him by the above.

Which leaves me in an interesting position.

How is any man going to measure up to those values? How is any man going to be good enough when I am comparing them with a man who loves me unconditionally?

The scary thing about this is, I hadn't realised I was comparing every man I meet to my dad. I mean, I literally had NO IDEA I was doing that. I'm still stunned that even during the years when I thought I didn't have a good relationship with my dad, I was unconsciously judging my ex-partner based on how he measured up against my dad.

He was always going to fail because I didn't even know I was making that comparison. In fact, at the time, I would have told you that was a load of tommy rot!

But now I know the truth, let's face it, it's not fair (or legitimate) for me to compare like that. I mean, I wouldn't want to be compared to someone's mum who would literally give her life for her son. How could I possibly measure up to that? It's unjustified, and largely means that any partner – who is consciously or unconsciously being compared with parental love – will never seem "right" or "good enough".

But more to the point, how can this insight help me move towards dissolving that unconscious comparison and begin truly accepting the men I meet for who they are?

Well, I guess the first place to start is recognising this is how I've been operating. Wow. Crazy to think I hadn't realised it. But like the awareness I had of realising my yearning to Be Someone was actually a need to be approved of by my father, now that I can see it, I"m pretty sure it will begin to fall away.

So, that's Step 1 taken care of.

Step 2 is to recognise the incredible qualities of every man I meet and notice when and if I'm comparing them to my dad. I've been lucky enough to meet a couple of outstanding men, especially in the last year. And I'll honestly say I did (and do) recognise their amazing qualities. In fact I don't think that is the problem. I am definitely someone who sees the highest potential of most people I meet, and operate from that space. In other words, I fall in love at the drop of a hat (but only with a very, very few and select people). But, once I see that light shining inside a person, I'm 100% hooked.

So the issue is not that I don't value the men I meet, but that I was somehow keeping myself loyal to my dad. I wasn't truly letting myself accept that the men I was meeting might have flaws (God forbid!). No, I was holding them on a pedestal (as I do my dad), but simultaneously making sure that I couldn't hold on to them by recognising that they didn't (and could never) love me unconditionally.

Holy moly! Talk about self-sabotage!

Fortunately I'm not holding any feelings of guilt or remorse for having these behaviours, I'm simply acknowledging they were there with a view to now seeing when I'm doing them, and with any luck being able to let that go.

And while I move forward on that path, I'll set a new intention.

From today, I vow to take the men I meet as I see them, and to hopefully recognise where I'm comparing them to my dad, and with any luck, become more able to see if I'm asking too much from them. For example, am I expecting someone who's just met me, to love me unconditionally, and to see me for who I really am?

It's a big ask!

I don't know how any of this will pan out, and I'm not in any way expecting to transform my way of thinking overnight. But I do believe that having seen another side of myself that I hadn't seen before, will help me to move forward in my romantic relationships.

And maybe, if I'm really lucky. I'll find myself able to love someone for everything they are, and not everything I want them to be.

Life is just so full of amazing experiences, isn't it.

h x

@barefootcoach

#lovelife #lifecoaching #love #fathers #husbands #menareamazing #selfawareness

Letting Go

As a Life Coach, I see so many situations that people want to shift and change. Setting goals can help us feel more free and more inspired to make even more changes. But sometimes change isn't our choice. Sometimes it's forced upon us, and has repercussions and consequences that reach far beyond anything we can imagine.

To use a personal example, I experienced a change this week that wasn't through my choosing, and it presented a dual experience: one that was incredibly sad and scary, and another that was completely awe-inspiring.

Let me fill in the gaps.

On Wednesday evening after having dinner with a friend, we were walking to another venue in search of a cosy space where we could continue chatting, when I received an SMS from my mum asking me to call her. I live on the opposite side of the world from my parents, so getting a text message that says "Call me" is my biggest fear.

As soon as I got through to my mum she told me that three days prior, my dad had suffered two concurrent seizures and had been taken to hospital in an ambulance.

Before I go on, let me tell you he's OK. My dad was admitted and released the same day, with promises of neurologic tests to find out what's causing the problem. So as I'm sure you can appreciate I heaved an enormous sigh of relief.

As my mum instructed me not to worry, I did my best to keep it together until I got off the phone with an "OK, cool, send Dad my love" and then promptly lost my sh*t. Thankfully, my friend did the most perfect thing: she hugged me while I wracked and shook, tears flooding down my cheeks with thoughts cascading through my mind about the fact I had just performed a dress rehearsal for The Phonecall.

The Phonecall is the one that says; "Your dad is seriously ill, can you come home now." Or worse still, "I'm sorry, your dad has passed away."

Over the following 24 hours, as I processed the horrible thought that I will probably not see my dad many more times, (if ever – I'm due to visit the UK in October, but anything could happen between now and then, right), a very interesting thing occurred.

I Let Some Stuff Go.

Feeling the reality of my dad not being here any more forced me into a new realm of thinking. Namely, who am I without my dad? What will the world mean when he is no longer here?

The honest answer to that is, I don't know.

I don't know who I am if my dad doesn't exist. How could the world still revolve if he isn't part of it? I literally have no idea what that feels like. I've been incredibly fortunate to have enjoyed 42 years of having a father who is always there for me. What could the opposite of that possibly feel like?

[… blank …]

That's when something dawned on me.

For most of my life (at least for most of my adult life), I have had this burning desire to Be Someone. By that I mean to make my mark on the world. To leave a legacy that people will talk about after I've gone. "Who, Hannah? Yes, she was the girl who changed the world. She was the one who made a difference to how people think. She did work that helped people communicate better and helped the world become a more peaceful place."

Heck, I've even dreamed that when I pass away, my picture will be on the cover of Time magazine! Sounds foolish when I say it out loud, but it's the truth. At least it was, until I got that phone call. Like I said, that moment changed things for me. And one of those things was the need to be famous.

I recognised, in the hours after really wondering how much longer my dad has to live, that the only person I've ever really wanted to be famous for (or to), is my dad.

Yup, when all is said and done, that burning desire to Be Someone was actually a desire to Be The Light of My Dad's Life. And all I have to do to be that, is to be alive; because I know my dad loves me more than life itself. I should add here, that I didn't always see it that way. The horrible truth is, I spent many, many years believing that my dad didn't love me. Which makes this realisation all the more sweet.

So, all of a sudden, some of my inner struggle – namely that underlying sense that I must do more, be more and have more, slowly but surely began to dissolve. Truly, even as I write this, three days later, that sense of urgency that has shadowed me since I can't even tell you when, has a far less aggressive hold on me. The interesting thing about that inner struggle is, I couldn't have told you it was there until this week. Yet, as soon as I identified it I simultaneously recognised that it had been there for as long as I can remember.

Wow.

Letting that one go, wasn't so much a choice as a natural reaction to one of life's biggest moments (losing a parent).

I hope my dad continues to live for a long time yet, but I am truly grateful for what happened as a result of my going through the dress rehearsal of him no longer being here. As each day passes, the sublimal "need" I had to be famous is inadvertently falling away. And, with that comes a lifetime of I-Must-Become-Famous cellular memories that can now dissolve, creating room for more wholesome and self-serving desires.

I don't know if this is the absolute truth – because I'm only just getting used to the fact that I'm letting go of something I didn't even know I really felt until this week – but I think that old space is now being filled with a desire to simply Be Me.

The desire to just Be Me was also always there, but swaying on the other side of that Ego see-saw was that desire to be Someone. Now that the latter is reducing to nothing, there's more space to run the Be Me programme. And I can honestly tell you, it has given me an incredible sense of calm.

There is so much more to say about this event. The implications of releasing that one belief has created an enormous cascade of realisations that are too many and too intricate to explain in one blog. They are however, relevant to my being a Life Coach and to the positive repercussions of Letting Go, so I will definitely blog about them in the coming months.

For now though, let me leave you with this: every single one of us experiences change as part of the ever continuing evolution of life. The incredible thing about that is how one change can (and always does) lead to another change, and another and so on, ad infinitum.

The remarkable thing about life for me, is not the fact that it changes. The thing I find the most astonishing is the incredible lack of awareness we all have about ourselves. I mean, how can it be that I couldn't see the link between my wanting to Be Someone and the correlation to actually just seeking approval from my dad? When it's laid out in black and white it's so obvious, but until the moment when we see another side of ourselves more clearly, some insights simply sit behind veils that are so thin, yet so thick at the same time, they prevent us from knowing who we really are.

And that, I guess is why Life and Life Coaching are so inspiring to me. I hope that having these deeply insightful experiences will help me help someone else who is experiencing change and who is yearning for more peace and happiness. As I said, change is not the issue; self awareness is. When we see who we are, it helps us realise why we react to things the way we do. Increasing our self awareness is the key to having a happier life. Because when you come to know that you don't even know yourself, it makes it a lot harder to judge and criticise other people.

In fact, the more we come to understand ourselves, the more we feel compassion for others. When you can recognise that some of your own past behaviours were at best a bit warped, and you know that you were always doing the best you could, you just didn't have the information about yourself that you have today, well, it leaves you in a very interesting position.

In my experience, that position is one of Letting Go. Letting go of the need to judge others, letting go of reasons to point out other people's flaws. Letting go of the need to be anything other than who you are and steering your life towards greater happiness, because really, there are only two things we know about life.

1) That our physical body will die
2) That there will always be more to learn about ourselves

Hari Aum x

PS If your parents are still alive, be sure to send them your love.

#lovelife #lifecoaching #selfawareness #parents #dying #friendship #fame

Too Many Goals?

One thing I've noticed about this Life Coaching lark is that most of us have so many goals it's hard to know where to start.

There's our personal goals (must be more loving towards my partner)… there's our work or business goals (must make more cash doing less work)… and there's our "sort it out" goals (must work out how to do that thing and not put it off any longer).

When we break down each of those goals what we find is another 8 to 10 sub-goals which, even if you only have three main goals, your tally has suddenly ballooned to somewhere between 26 and 30 things to do. Before you know it, you're feeling overwhelmed and the most likely course of action is to say "Stuff this, it's all too hard. I'll just stay the same".

Yeah, I know that one…

I'm in the process of setting up my life coaching business which involves creating content for my website, working out how and where I will coach people, continuing with my studies, building a social media profile and writing this blog.

That's a big enough task without factoring in four days a week as a freelance editor, private coaching for authors, regular workouts and somehow squeezing in a social life.

It's a lot for one small person to do. Seems easier to stay in bed on a Saturday morning and just wait for it to all work itself out. Except I won't. Because I want to be an amazing Life Coach, and I want to earn a decent living, and I want to be fit and strong, and have fun with my friends.

What's a girl to do?

Well, lucky for me, my first coaching client had the answer! Yup, there I was listening to them and helping them work out how they could get all the things they needed to do done, and at the same time, I was having an internal BINGO! moment where I saw the answer to some of my own overwhelm! Goal Setting! Duh!

Isn't it great when life deals you a double hand like that!

My client's dilemma was that they have so many business streams they find themselves drifting without purpose, then feeding their inner guilt with the fact they aren't performing, which leads to a lack of motivation, which leads to procrastination, which leads to more guilt … and … well, you get the picture.

The outcome of our first session was great. My client found a way to fix one of their issues (schedule time to do task A), and also got to "park" the rest of their goals with their life coach (me). This gave them a sense of feeling instantly more free and able to perform task A, because tasks B through to Z were being held in a security storage with the knowledge that each box would be brought out at a time that is right for them.

Phew.

The beauty of parking some of your goals with a coach is that you know they will hold you accountable. It's not like filing them away in the attic of your own mind, where they swim around like drowning cats bobbing their heads up from under the water at regular intervals, letting you know they need your attention.

A life coach is akin to having a wardrobe assistant for your thoughts. We help you pull out the top seasonal items while simultaneously packing all your winter or summer wear into neatly folded drawers that we ship off to our own office until the weather changes and you're ready to wear them again.

Knowing that someone else is aware of your goals and is looking after them, frees up space in your conscious mind so that you can get on and deal with task A as a single goal, and not have to worry that its friends are also wanting assistance. When we have all our goals asking for equal attention it becomes too hard and that's where procrastination sets in.

Here's a good tip: if you ever find yourself procrastinating, bring someone else into the mix. It can be a friend or a family member or – best case scenario – a life coach. The beauty of having a coach work with you on your goals is that they will direct you in a motivating way that is genuinely helpful and authentic. Friends and family may worry that you are doing too much, (or not enough), and they might hold back on telling you the truth because they want to protect you. A life coach won't throw your problems in your face but they will present solutions to your issues in a pragmatic and realistic way.

It's a proven fact that the accumulation of unfinished tasks (such as unmet goals, plus overdue bills that haven't been paid, plus deciding where to send your kids to school, plus working out which flight to catch to go on holiday), cause as much anguish as deciding whether to put your mother into a nursing home.

A simple way to reduce the stress of unmet goals is to take one of them and break it down into smaller goals.

Part of the issue when you're in overwhelm is choosing the first goal to tackle, but my advice is: if you've been procrastinating for more than 3 months, just choose ANY goal. By starting a journey to somewhere, you'll soon find out what's involved which will lead to one of two scenarios:

1) You'll realise a different goal is more important because you can't complete Goal A until Goal B has been established.

2) You'll find that you achieve one of your goals which will move you from procrastination to motivation and voila! the wheels are in motion and your other goals can be fished from the pond (one by one) and taught how to swim! Hurrah!

Start Now By Writing Down Your Goals

Make a list of your top 10 goals that you'd like to achieve in the next 12 months.

Prioritise those goals further by marking any that you would like to achieve within 3 months, 6 months and 9 months. In a separate column, write down the reality of how long you think it will take to achieve those goals. (HINT: you've probably underestimated the timeframe, but that's OK). I like to give myself an extra 3 months on top of the timeframe I've initially set, which is what Stephen Covey (author of The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People) calls taking the ocean liner approach. (I'll write a blog on that soon).

Once you do this you will have 4 x 3-month timeframes and four or more goals. Start with the goal that is most pressing (in the 3-month timeframe), and just do at least one thing today that will get you closer to that goal. Then, schedule another task for the following day that will get you another day closer to reaching your goal. The tasks needn't be huge things (although they can be), but even doing one small thing, will increase your sense of satisfaction which will trigger the reward system in your brain, which will lead to increased motivation and a greater sense that you can achieve anything you want.

You can do all this on your own. It's a really valuable exercise and will help raise you from the feeling of drowning to a space where you have increased clarity and a belief in your own ability.

Having a life coach ups the ante even further. A life coach will listen while you figure out what to do first, and they'll provide you with new insights that you might not reach on your own. They can present you with tools to help you get the job done and they'll make you accountable for reaching those goals. If you say you're going to something by Monday, they'll check in with you and see how you're going. There'll be no judgement if you haven't done the task, but when you know someone's watching, it really prompts you to do the work. 

Goals are dreams and goal setting is taking a step towards the life you dream of. Begin today by sorting out what's the most important thing for you right now and choose something you can do today to make that dream more real. For me, it was scheduling in study blocks plus time for my workouts plus time to write my web content and times when I am free to see clients.

By clearing space in my diary I have created a greater sense of freedom and it only took half an hour to create my new schedule (all I have to do now is stick to it). Once you write down your goals and begin ticking them off your list, you'll know in your heart that you're on a path to becoming the very best version of YOU.

And I dunno about you, but that gets me very excited!

Dream big and be your best.

I believe in you!

h xx

@barefootcoach

#lovelife #lifecoaching #goalsetting #infinitepossibilites #Ibelieveinyou #success #dreambig

Barefoot Blogging

Today is a big blogday for me. This is my first blog as a life coach.

[Insert whistle of approval here].

I've blogged before and it's been a massively enjoyable ride. I learned a lot about the art of blogging as well as learning a lot about myself. But now I'm handing my focus over to you.

Yes, you!

As a life coach, I'm on a mission. That mission (if I choose to accept… which I have…), is to help as many people as possible to find their inner light and shine, shine, shine.

I wonder if one of those people will be you?

Only time will tell I suppose, but in the meantime, here's the deal: I'm going to blog every week about a topic that is motivating, inspiring, helpful or just downright interesting. At least, I hope it'll be interesting! (But you get to be the judge of that…).

Your side of the bargain is to let me know if it's meaningful to you (by sharing it), or if it inspires or offends you (feel free to leave a comment), heck, maybe it'll change your life? If it does then please let me know!

There is a psychologic factor that states that an accumulative process has the same effect as a single full-on event. What that means in everyday language is that by repeating a behaviour (such as saying negative or positive things to yourself), has the same effect over the long-term as a compliment from the Dalai Lama or being smashed in the face with a brick.

Life coaching works on that very same accumulative principle. Life is something we hope to do (live) for a long time. So if we want to be happy, it makes sense that we should implement regular daily habits that increase our chances of feeling good. You might smirk at the idea of positive affirmations but science tells us that our brains are wired to follow a common path. That path might be a chocolate bar every day at 3pm, or it might be a cigarette break after your meal (urgh!), or, it might be starting your day by taking a minute to give yourself a hug and tell yourself "I love you [insert your name here]."

Whatever you choose to do on a regular basis, your brain will become attuned to search for that thing. So choosing something that serves you well would be a good choice, right?

Dr Jeffrey Scwhartz is one of my neuroplastic-expert crushes (OK, maybe the only one…). His work includes retraining the brain of people with OCD so that they are able to manage daily tasks and no longer be debilitated by needing to count the turns of the door handle or check that they still have 20 pairs of sneakers lined up in the closet.

Just to be clear, I'm not making light of OCD, on the contrary, any mental illness should be taken seriously, but as Schwartz is proving; the brain responds to positive, accumulative information. Even people who have suffered with OCD for years are being able to turn their thoughts and behaviours around by using this repeated, accumulative method.

But what's this got to do with life coaching you might ask?

A lot.

Life coaching offers an opportunity to find new pathways for your brain. Many coaches use neuro linguistic programming (NLP), but as each of us is an individual, there are myriad ways to integrate new behaviours. Some of our behaviours have been present for a very long time, in which case, retraining the brain can take more than one session. But even if all you do is have a single consultation with a life coach, you have taken a GIGANTIC leap towards finding your own happiness. A happiness that doesn't rely on everything going your way, mind you. Much more on that in a future blog.

Rather than delve into the neuroscience of how to find happiness, I'll leave you with this short insight: life coaching is a way to change your life. It involves setting goals and working with your coach so you begin to achieve your dreams in a way that feels right for you. Yes, your coach will push you, but never more than you can handle. Sometimes a life coach will give you a gentle nudge but they'll also be right beside you, holding your hand and cheerleading you toward whatever it is you want.

It doesn't always involve NLP and it's certainly not about brain trickery. But it is about using whatever tools are available to help you be the person you KNOW you can be. That amazing, inspiring, energetic and passionate man or woman that you are.

Dreams can come true. And you can absolutely achieve anything you want by taking it one step at a time. I'm doing it too. My dream is to be the best coach I can be by helping as many other people be as successful as they possibly can.

So, what is it you dream about having, doing or being? Maybe I can help? Maybe, together, we can both fulfill our greatest potential? (Wouldn't that be cool!)

: )

I believe in you.

h x

PS I'm a no shoes, no BS kinda girl, so I hope you don't mind if I turn up barefoot?

#lifecoaching #personaldevelopment #selfesteem #lovelife