If you read my last blog Letting Go, you'll know that the notion of my dad not existing led me into a spin. It was a twofold experience that allowed me to feel sad and enlightened at the same time. My dad just turned 81 last week, so it's realistic to consider he doesn't have a huge amount of time left. Although, touch wood, maybe he does.
Either way, what I recognised in the realisation that he might not physically exist at some point, is that I may unconsciously be waiting for him to die before I can fully give my love to another man. Yeah, I know. Sounds warped and valid all at the same time, right?
Now that I've provided you with the insight, I'll share the details of that awakening with you.
I'll start by telling you that for about 10 years I had what I'd diplomatically describe as a strained relationship with my parents. They might not see it or remember it that way, but that's certainly my truth. Which, I acknowledge is not the absolute truth, just my version. And, thankfully, I've managed to come full circle on that one, and can honestly say that I love my parents very much and am grateful for everything they have (and haven't) done for me.
But this isn't about that, this blog is about the different versions of love we experience and how they affect our relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and so on.
In my case, I can honestly say my dad was my first love. I wouldn't have said that until I got the phone call the other week, but as my unconscious mind scanned the memories I have of my father, it dawned on me, as clear as day, that I am totally in love with my dad. (Freud would be having a field day if he could hear this). I can see that it might sound weird, but I think it's part of the reason why I'm single and have never married. I think I'm looking for a replica of my dad. Who, let me tell you, is one helluva man.
There are so many amazing things I could say about my dad, but I'll share just a few of them with you here:
1) As a sailor in the Merchant Navy, he taught himself to speak Norwegian
2) At 81, he's still out in the garden, pulling up roots and weeds every day
3) If something needs to be fixed around the house, he does it. Within minutes.
4) He makes breakfast for my mum every single day
5) He is a fantastic joke teller
6) He shines his shoes
7) He's an amazing dancer and singer
8) He's a thinker
9) He's a fighter
10) He works harder than any man I know
I could go on, but suffice to say, he has a lot of incredible qualities. And sure, like the rest of us, he has flaws, which I used to focus on (a lot), but when you add up all the good stuff, his imperfections are no more than anyone else's (least of all mine), so I choose to view him by the above.
Which leaves me in an interesting position.
How is any man going to measure up to those values? How is any man going to be good enough when I am comparing them with a man who loves me unconditionally?
The scary thing about this is, I hadn't realised I was comparing every man I meet to my dad. I mean, I literally had NO IDEA I was doing that. I'm still stunned that even during the years when I thought I didn't have a good relationship with my dad, I was unconsciously judging my ex-partner based on how he measured up against my dad.
He was always going to fail because I didn't even know I was making that comparison. In fact, at the time, I would have told you that was a load of tommy rot!
But now I know the truth, let's face it, it's not fair (or legitimate) for me to compare like that. I mean, I wouldn't want to be compared to someone's mum who would literally give her life for her son. How could I possibly measure up to that? It's unjustified, and largely means that any partner – who is consciously or unconsciously being compared with parental love – will never seem "right" or "good enough".
But more to the point, how can this insight help me move towards dissolving that unconscious comparison and begin truly accepting the men I meet for who they are?
Well, I guess the first place to start is recognising this is how I've been operating. Wow. Crazy to think I hadn't realised it. But like the awareness I had of realising my yearning to Be Someone was actually a need to be approved of by my father, now that I can see it, I"m pretty sure it will begin to fall away.
So, that's Step 1 taken care of.
Step 2 is to recognise the incredible qualities of every man I meet and notice when and if I'm comparing them to my dad. I've been lucky enough to meet a couple of outstanding men, especially in the last year. And I'll honestly say I did (and do) recognise their amazing qualities. In fact I don't think that is the problem. I am definitely someone who sees the highest potential of most people I meet, and operate from that space. In other words, I fall in love at the drop of a hat (but only with a very, very few and select people). But, once I see that light shining inside a person, I'm 100% hooked.
So the issue is not that I don't value the men I meet, but that I was somehow keeping myself loyal to my dad. I wasn't truly letting myself accept that the men I was meeting might have flaws (God forbid!). No, I was holding them on a pedestal (as I do my dad), but simultaneously making sure that I couldn't hold on to them by recognising that they didn't (and could never) love me unconditionally.
Holy moly! Talk about self-sabotage!
Fortunately I'm not holding any feelings of guilt or remorse for having these behaviours, I'm simply acknowledging they were there with a view to now seeing when I'm doing them, and with any luck being able to let that go.
And while I move forward on that path, I'll set a new intention.
From today, I vow to take the men I meet as I see them, and to hopefully recognise where I'm comparing them to my dad, and with any luck, become more able to see if I'm asking too much from them. For example, am I expecting someone who's just met me, to love me unconditionally, and to see me for who I really am?
It's a big ask!
I don't know how any of this will pan out, and I'm not in any way expecting to transform my way of thinking overnight. But I do believe that having seen another side of myself that I hadn't seen before, will help me to move forward in my romantic relationships.
And maybe, if I'm really lucky. I'll find myself able to love someone for everything they are, and not everything I want them to be.
Life is just so full of amazing experiences, isn't it.
h x
@barefootcoach
#lovelife #lifecoaching #love #fathers #husbands #menareamazing #selfawareness
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